Flood

I remember him
Sitting with patience.
On the handmade mattress
Looking curious
Every year
Same day
Maybe his small brain used to forget
Or he liked doing that
Getting all attention
And making me laugh
The good boy
In sandal wood blessings
And grass leaves temptations
He won’t stay quiet anymore

My brother
He just left me
In a dry land
Where I somehow laugh
As I have nothing else to do
What else can I do?
In dry land
It is flooding
I do not complain
I can live in dirty water
Marooned on my bed
My floor
Where he sat
On the handmade mattress
Next to oil lamp and sweets
I don’t need that floor anymore.
-it will be over soon

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Singling

I was thinking
How funny my life is
If I think it quite hard enough
It doesn’t make any sense
Only if I don’t

In love
Physical
Emotional
I had it all
Boyfriend
Date, walking around Streets
Having a cuppa tea
Or getting drunk
And sex

All those
But not with the same person
All those with different faces
Different moments
And circumstances
Moments I never liked
Never liked giving another shot

I think I am selfish enough
I walked too fast
Living behind men
Enjoyed the street too much
And my English breakfast tea
Seeing the tea bag
Changing the colour of the plain water
Suddenly it’s not water anymore
Or the little alcohol I had
Ended up using it in earnest laugh
With my buddies

I think I have been bossy enough
In beds
My body doesn’t response
In pre-planned arousals
The way it supposed to
With a ticking clock
In head

In my head
I had questions
I wasn’t supposed to ask i guess
Why can’t I walk fast
Run a little further
And wait at the next corner
For a face
Sweaty and panting
What’s the rule of being slow?
Why can’t I have a drink or a tea
Because I want to
We could both watch
How water is becoming tea
Not talking

And in bed
Cleaned up for my arrivals
I can mark my calendar
I have been invited
To have sex
Never a host
Always a guest
I have been a whore
For penises with timers
Why couldn’t we fail
And Have a laugh
Why I never hear a voice
Saying while packing his sloppy dick
“lets go for a walk”
-Will start from a cuppa tea

Infidelity

Someday
I look for love
Somewhere it doesn’t exist
Or far away
This realm or someplace else
Wrapped in a blue bedsheet
Our tired bodies
Don’t wanna move
Don’t wanna go
Someplace call home

Someday
I want a hotel room
White sheets
Artificial cold
And some artificial truth
Or lie
Who knows
With a ticking clock
And ticking love
I want him to go
Never seeing that face again
In morning
Before checking out
I would love to have a tea
English breakfast
Whilst counting the crease
In the white sheet
Before it gives warmth
To someone else
Before it gets washed out
The moment
The crease
And me
Bleached well like a crime scene

Goodnight, Sunday

There was a girl
My namesake
Next to my shaved legs
And vagina
I saw her confidence
Wearing it all
Like the way I always wanted
My body, unchanged

I saw another woman
With hair in her legs
Wearing a black tights
Exposing some inches of her calf
I forgot to tell her how beautiful she is
In her confident nakedness
Peaking through her little bit of skins
Why could I never do that?

Then I saw them hiding,
Looking for razor blades
And people
Shaming them
Shaming themselves
Like the biggest mistakes
Of that day
Then I saw them next day
Bare legs
Only skins
Flaunting in photographs
Technology made them Crystal clear
I can never be that

I looked at my body
Don’t get much time to get rid of it
My unwanted hairs
Like the way I used to
Stubbles growing longer everyday
Making my legs uncomfortable
Inside my trousers
Like it always did
Static electricity or something
Created by friction
My pubes hurts
And I am not allowed to be naked
Not anymore

I am too tired to reach for my epilator
Under my sheet
I have four hours left
Four hours til Monday

Tahmina

“If you stay here longer
You will fall in love with them”
My boss said
Whilst returning to college
From hospital.
“You will know who is your true friend
When you face difficulties”
One of my student said
Maybe older than me
In age I don’t believe

I don’t want to be praised
For what I do
Or what I did
Running as fast I can
Begging for a transport
Staying extra hours
I don’t even remember what I did
Except these physically describable things
I think I didn’t do anything
To be praised

I hope they are better
My student
At hospital
My student
In an late evening auto
Suffering the most deadly disease
Call love.

If I stay there longer
I will fall in love with them
I think I already do
And for this moment
I think I have never been loved
Like this way ever before

There was this kid
Came to see me
The fashion ma’am they say
I couldn’t talk to her that time
Busy with stuff pays my bills
I wish I had her too
In my heart
-One hundred and five
Plus one

La femme

If Da Vinci was a girl
I think I never really liked
The monalisa smile
Or an airplane
Hopeless one
Doesn’t go much further
Doesn’t really go anywhere
If he was a girl

I was listening to a song
By the very same name
I think I found one
In my new colleague
And how much I love
Vincent Van Gogh
I know I am one
“Ma’am you take our class
We are missing you
We don’t like her class”
Please….
A request
We all know
Hopeless like airplane
Going nowhere

She is new
Our lady Vinci
The perfect designer
Draws better than me
Flawless
And prepare
She should get all the compliment
I don’t deserve any

Like the other song
By the same musician
Mexican margarita
I keep dancing
Suddenly I am the best teacher
At institute
I think I won’t go anywhere too
But I will travel
Like the starry night
I have created
Those small human being
With narrowed down imagination
My students
Victim of society
They will spread
Who cares who created
Or painted
Who cares about airplanes
All those hopeless flying mechanism
In my small time
Airplane wouldn’t land anywhere
But a blue sky will always be there
If you can see
How lights travel
Even in death

I don’t deserve
To be the best teacher
I am almost done

Away

It’s cloudy here
For three days in a row
Everytime the train leaves
The city border
From Kolkata
To land of living
Green and clear water
The sun leaves me too

For three days in a row
I am not carrying my umbrella
I guess all are planned
And I am the Mastermind here
Looking out from the window
The green and the gray sky
I would not have looked out
If I had my umbrella
Safe
No rain can make me wet
And worried
How will I go
When I get down

Worries
I forgot I am not good with it
So the cold wind blows
It gets darker
Away from the concrete city
I am watching the best play ever
With a custom made color palette
Just for me
Only me take this train
The train of “do not worry”
-it will rain

Possibilities

I like finding a chocolate
In my pocket
Unwrapping it
And put it in my mouth
Sometimes I like not finding it
And instead finding a lighter
So I can go out
Take a detour
On my way to buy a chocolate
And find my favorite spots
To have a smoke

Sometimes I like finding no pockets
Attached to my clothes at all
So I can leave things behind
Or lose it
I was holding dear to me
And find out it never mattered
Those things

Let’s go back where I have started
Finding a chocolate
In my pocket
I like it in mouth
Caramelized stuck in my teeth
While chewing
So I have to use my finger

I like putting my fingers
In my mouth
I don’t know why
Despite of all those sweetness
In my mouth
And all over my tounge
My finger tastes sweeter

The same hand
Found the chocolate
In my pocket
And a lighter
I didn’t smoke today

Condoms

My relationship with rain
Is like having sex with strangers
I would really love to get wet
On a street so clean
And cold
Gray and full of people
Not worried
When to go back home
How to go back home
But not here.

I really like dipping my legs
Safe inside my Wellington boots
And walk
Dry as possible
Still in rain
That’s all i can get
In hurry
Always cautious
Doesn’t get a single drop inside
Of my boots
Or my clothes
I would hate it
So I walk slow
Not moving much
Saving my dream
Of a clean city pavement
And me dancing in cold
Wet
But not here
Just like having sex with strangers.

image

Will see you again

Would you judge me
If I say
I wanted to have a proper goodbye
With friends
lovers
And with life
I don’t know how does it feel
To have a final embrace
And a smile
Before we part
Forever
I don’t know if that smile stays
When we turn
Walk our own ways
Remembering our days
Or our lips shrink
Taking a dip breathe
Closing the gate
Of our own realm
We had created
With a good bye

I always wondered
What does it take
To say goodbye
I think I shrugged too many times
My shoulders became my burden
To carry on my back
I don’t care
Written there
For lovers
Years
And my brother’s grave
I hardly visit there
And friends
I don’t remember their faces
They are not here
In time, in grave
Or in faces
Somewhere living happily
Or not living at all
Like they are supposed to
I am not important
Or too important
To bid the last good bye