Simulation

Suddenly, everything was right

Every second, every pace

All seemed like a graph

And paths were subtly chosen

For me with appropriate moments

It seemed unreal

Surreal

I was hallucinating

Being stoned had nothing to do with it

It was reality drugged me

Dragged me.

If I stayed five minutes longer

Not winning my fear

It would have been different I guess

Embarrassing

Having stupid fight 

With mothers

Because night is a taboo

I think I needed to talk

Needed to have that fight

Needed to know the clarity

Of everything

What goes on 

Deep down in the name of love

Possession

Devour us completely

In rain soaked night

The empty Streets

There are always better places

With no love

There are always better existence

Without possession

And there,

No place to go anything wrong.

The blue whale game

The distance I am building

It feels like home

My new home

Far away from my existential land

I don’t say a single thing

I don’t protest 

Try to swim back to the shore

Tides made of words

I am too wet already

To dry myself up

I am playing the blue whale game

As my mum said

Wanted to break my phone

I am playing it

Another one

The lonely animal

In a ocean full of fishes

Who wouldn’t want to be a whale

As big as blue

Away from the colorful hunters

I am too lost to breathe in land

 Here In my deep blue sea

Home.

Life without it

I don’t know how I am alive

Without him

And just doing

Coming back home

In a room full of us

Where we used to untalk

No words

No guards.

Now I just don’t talk

There is a difference though

Between not talking

And not talking

In between both of the not talking

My life is gone

I am just living

It would be silly 

Dying for my brother

To join him where he is

May be in nothingness

May in another plane

It would be silly 

Dying for a dog.

Masochist

Is it okay that I don’t find love

In a human being,

In the skin, or warmth

Or promises

Not in the way they see me

But see everything but me

How words 

Earnest one, pour out of their brains

And colors from their brushes

Or the photographs

Sometimes in the silence

Where there is no me
Someone said it’s masochism

But that’s okay I guess

For my love

Does not exist

In a world full of rush

And game of remembering

I am selfishly selfless

Where I found my place

Finally.

Mother died a long time ago

Maa

The one single word

Has so much power

You want to forgive

You want to forget

But it’s hard

For a brain which doesn’t forget

He never had one

He said when I was a kid

I had his mother’s nose

Maa, he called me

I could listen to his voice

In his absence

In his presence 

I could bend the hell

With my tiny hands

I was his maa after all
Long nights passed

And never ending days

I am not his maa anymore

Then he said maa

Again.

Not addressing me

But in pain

Of viral fever

I wanted to run

Away or towards him

Hugging him like I used to

Forgiving and forgetting

It aches, somewhere in there

Inside the walls 

Of my photographic memory

Fearing and loathing the existence

Of me

And my nose

But I need it

Whatever happens

I need to breathe.

I

Honor in smoke

Honor in clock

Honor everywhere

How do you do your hair

And clothes

Honor inside the tiny pocket

Of human existence

And in unemployment

Of overqualified kid just died

Because there is no honor

In “l”,

Living

An uncertain heart

Sometimes,

My heart beats so fast

And I am out of breath

My head feels light

I don’t wanna move at all

Sometimes I want to talk

Just like the way 

I read poetry books

From anywhere

Unplanned erratically

But humans are graphed

Charted routines

Always have a start 

And an end

I don’t have anyone to talk to

The way I want

So I listen

People talking

So I listen to my heart

Beating

Irregularly

I have a heart

Just like me.

Fifth Element

This is my day

My rain

Water dripping from the sky

Falling hard on the earth

Winds playing a cunning game

With the fire in between my lips

The four elements altogether

And life

Curling up

Inside my old umbrella

Prints of tiny green hearts

My head hurts

I wanted to write about something

But my eyes hurt

And my head

Then I remembered 

My favorite poet

Wrote in his death bed

About life, love

So warm it still gives me heat

And hope

So I wanted to write

Just to find out

I forgot what I was thinking

And all I remember is 

“heard melodies are sweet

But all those unheard are sweeter”

Today is not my day

Maybe someday I will find my lost words.

Claustrophobia

There are many matches

Many types of compatibilities

With some my wilderness match

Where I giggle all the time

Stuck in a elevator box

Not moving

I am not claustrophobic then.

With some my taste in leisure

Can talk about all day

About galaxies and forces

And stupid British movies

I just watched it to laugh.

With some my words match

And I feel vulnerable

I feel I am caught up

In a word game 

Where I won’t be able to use words

To hide me

Transparent like water

It’s hard to breathe.