Almost a week now, the solid pain in my chest is getting harder, it won’t go the tranquility told me so. But will not be soft anymore. There are moments when I let my brother down, unwillingly, there were moments I did it as I was a kid back then, but now, this now did I not know it will go like this? I did? Day one when it went bad, I cried like hell, for desire took troll and I couldn’t visit the place of my brothers rest. I knew my brother wasn’t there, but his emptiness.
Day two when things went wrong and Already decided I won’t ever go there, as people won’t understand, people wont listen to it, the tightness inside my heart, they won’t know the loss of home, they won’t know the lose of love, for love is different for humans, and love, for us was beyond place and existence. For my brother, he is keeping me alive, and he will call me one day, and I won’t leave a single thing behind.
I think I tried hard enough, not to cry, not to brag, the little walk I had, away from humans of tomorrow, I came back of their wordly worries, I might be lost, or the noodles were getting cold. Who knows. I think I sat there for half an hour when I wanted to run away, look for my brother, or just go home, or just kill my self, cry out loud. I didn’t.
As it would be over dramatic for them.
It was already.
Seven days later after wasting my one single holiday per week, I learned it in a hard way, waiting for them, for half an hours for a smoke, it was already a overdramatised act for them.
My brother, the lump in my throat, I wanted to say something. But before I could my week off was over as the five min smoke was over, and they head back to their safe haven.
I stayed, with the punch breaking my bones never can be fixed for it was me, who let my brother down. I stayed alone, for rest of days, for this week, unable to say anything or do, just hugging my brothers picture and crying. Finally reaching out for words, an eulogy to humans I gave priorities, a good bye to those plastic happy moments I have shared, as they would not know I was never happy.
As no one will know or I have to let them know, how much we did love each other, me and my brother. For that’s okay, that the lump stayed. My brother stayed.
And so did Khoka, he came as I stepped out from the place I never belonged, he stayed and asked all, never mocking the death of my brother.
– death, death of priorities were necessary.